CR.

I had another random thought. I just came from the CR, once again. That's just part of my daily routine. Normal.

C.R.

Comfort Room.

In one of my favorite bars in UPLB, it stands for "Chromosome Reference". Brilliant. XY~XX.

Back in college, I used to write notes in my cellphone, at the dormitory's comfort room. Just random notes of what I felt, experienced, etc. Back then, I said to myself, I always have notes and memories in CRs.

I talk to mother nature (if you get what I mean) for a longer period of time. And I mean everywhere. House. Malls. Office. Terminals. Name it. And if someone comments "tagal naman nung babae sa loob", I'll just shot them back with "kaya nga comfort room eh, nagmamadali kayo?". Whenever I'm having a conversation with mother nature, I have to have something to do. I usually bring something to read, a book or a magazine. I get bored easily so I make sure I have something to fiddle. If I'm in the mood for music, I bring my phone and earphones. Recently, my favorite hobby while conversing with mother nature is playing in my iPod. And it's more addicting especially when you have your Wi-Fi access.

And when talking about CR, I will never forget my dramatic experience back in college. One afternoon, I was in one of my favorite cubicles in our dormitory, reading Noli Me Tangere by Dr. Jose Rizal. During that time, I was at the "darkest phase of the moon" era. (Read my previous blogpost for your reference) I was enjoying my book when suddenly my phone beeped. He texted. That moment, I forgot where I was. I forgot what I was doing. I even forgot I'm on the CR. I just cried and cried and cried. I wept for almost...I can't tell. So much for my happy ending.

Vandalism. Number one in CRs. Right?

I conducted my undergraduate thesis at Biological Science Building at UPLB. Popularly called BioSci. Second floor. Wing A. The ladies room is just around the bend when you reach second floor. I have this, again, favorite cubicle there. The last cubicle. Maybe because it is near the window. Whenever I do my thing there, the scribbles and doodles on the door never fail to make me laugh. How mature people. I really hope they're not from UP but some people may get carried away, be stupid sometimes, got their pens and write everywhere. The notes babble about relationships, "what-to-dos??", wanted textmate and the ever famous "NO VANDALISM".

We all have our CR experiences. Bad. Good. Unforgettable. Unforgivable. Horrifying. So-so. If you think this post is gross, well, you've reach the end part of it so you have no choice. Maybe you won't read it again next time. Unless, just by reading the title, you didn't dare to read the whole note down here. Your choice.

Recognize the dark side to love the light.

Where do you draw the line between friendship and flirtation?

This thought came from a happy state. Actually, I am happy now.

You may think I am such a flirt. Yes I was. Before. Everybody is. Don't tell yourself you're not. In one way or another, you were. So never judge. I'm just sharing. I learned a lot from these mistakes and I believe these made me a better person now. Pardon for all the pain and tears and whatever that I've done before. You know who you are.

__________________________________

I guess we all have our "dark eras" in our lives; where we go to this point doing bad things, going places where sin becomes acceptable, experiencing times when you feel like you don't know yourself. There comes the regret part, and then you move on. Promised yourself that you will never go back. Sometimes you go back to that stupidity. The best part is totally moving on, looking back just to laugh at the matter.

You still do this and that, knowing they're wrong. Knowing you may hurt others, you may hurt yourself. You nurse the feeling that the state you're in is your happy place. You consistently tell yourself that this person is the one for you.

Even if you have this guilty feeling inside you, you stay. Even if the happiness you're feeling is temporary, you still wish to stay. Even if you know that the person you're with will leave you anytime, you still cling to this pathetic state.

When I was in this miserable stage, I always find the positive side of where I am then. Even if it's only a tinge, I stayed. And I thought once was enough, it happened again faster than I thought I'm over that BS.

So how do I categorize them? Hmm.

I know someone who befriends someone and make you feel special. No commitments. Just plain "that" (if you know what I mean). He may take you to his ride; go someplace wonderful, share stories, blah blah...then bam! Waste of time, emotion and record (?).

Then there's this guy. Same case, befriends you, make you feel special: no string attached. Persistent. Even if you turn him down a hundred times, he's still there. My guess is that he doesn't have the concept of loyalty and faithfulness to himself. And commitment is very questionable. So once again, waste of time, emotion and record (?).

Too much closeness is bad thing also when you don't know where to draw the line. This guy is close enough to be a boyfriend but of course, no commitment. You both share stories and relate to them, you hang out and dine together; bottomline is you both like each other but not willing to take it to a much higher level of relationship. Again, another waste of time, emotion and record (?).

Can you call a case a special friendship when two people share the same wavelength and understand each other but can't be together because both of them know that they can't be together? Or is it just a one-sided relationship? One likes the other so much that she or he is willing to be with that person even though the other person doesn't want to be committed. And the incredible part is they are able to maintain their normal friendship after THAT special one.  This case, for me, is not a waste of time and emotion because they're still friends.

I call this the "darkest side of the moon" because this phase is the worst. Worst being able to suffer years of knowing and clinging to a person that you thought would be your last but unfortunately turned out to be the biggest ahole there is. Sounds bitter, yes. If bitterness can describe how much you loath that person, how that person wasted your time and your precious feelings, I say it's okay. The biggest mistake one can ever make is when you give all yourself to that person who can never show you as his to the world. One who loves and genuinely cares can introduce you to every entity and proudly call you "his". Why throw your precious heart to someone who can't even hold your hand in public, can't kiss you in front of his friends, or even a simple introduction to his family? The most pathetic part of this scenario  is the part where you still hoped that he is the one you'll spend the rest of your life with. That part of you that still hoped he will have that courage to show the world who you are. Reality check - you've met the worst guy in the world. Enough said, you've wasted your time, emotion and record!

___________________________________

That's just recalling. Bitterness gone. When you meet that special person whom you can share your heart and soul and mind, all these BS would be rubbish. Cliche but true. Again.

And that special person deserves a different slate. Not with these fools. So I will be writing again, soon. :)

~P

L O V E Letter.

Back in the days, love letters were written on fancy stationery and delivered thru snail mail or given directly to loved ones. Some may still practice this style today, as we may call it "the old fashion way". But during this era of technology, love letters evolved from paper to emails or sent via SMS or MMS.

Let me share this love letter I received couple of weeks ago. No matter in what form they may be, love letters still make our hearts skip a beat (cliche yes, but true, right?) and smile the widest thinking of the person who wrote the letter.

As they say "share the love", I am sharing my wonderful experience. Our wonderful story. How this man capture my heart over and over again.

~~~

Random Doodles

Mino Giacomo A. Marimat

April 10, 2012, 8:08 pm

Part I: Illusion

          First of all, let me clarify that this is not me ranting about stuff that we usually argue about.

          In fact, this would be me, opening up a minor part of me entirety. And eventually, this would be a desperate plea; a need for help, for somebody to pull me out of this senseless misery that I have unfortunately developed during the past years before you colored my life.

          Let me begin by acknowledging the first frog - the bigger frog. Sure, it was a first. My first... well,  you know the rest.

          And also, my very first heartbreak.

          The only logical reason: Distance. She couldn't bear the distance, more so that she wanted to focus on her studies, one that I believe I could handle hand in hand, balanced, in harmony. But she couldn't.

          But looking at myself, I do have to admit that I had doubts of my own. Three of us bestfriends were really close, and I couldn't help but bring myself to jealousy whenever they talk to each other, with me looking from a distance. I don't know, I guess it's just me. I might be thinking too much, I told myself.

          Fast-forward to the white pout-frog. We had our ups and downs, especially during the first few months. More so when her parents found out about us. She fought for us, and eventually things were just at peace, like everything was fine even though I was around and our relationship was still obviously there. Her high school graduation came, and the distance between us became even more challenging. Eventually, she went away, and you know why.

          Another logical reason: Distance. She couldn't bear the distance, and with someone wooing her continuously, she couldn't help but appreciate the things that this freak showed her.

          But, again, looking at myself, I do have to admit that I had doubts of my own. With me being miles away from her, and the limitation of the Nokia wizardry allowing us to communicate, there are times when this sheepishly imaginative mind thinks of things unthinkable. Things that I wasn't supposed to think, but then still, my mind worked on its own. The sad part? The breakup seemed to be a confirmation of what the mind can do. It made me feel that, having felt the doubts on two independent events, two heartbreaks, it seemed like whenever I feel something like this, pain would immediately follow.

          Come the biggest frog, and I told myself I learned my lesson this time around. The distance wasn't there... at first. We were together. Day and night. But then, fate really seemed to play around me, making a fool out of myself. My own graduation came, and distance, once again, challenged the rigidity of my heart, the courage in me.

          This time, I was the one who couldn't bear the distance. I got really weak; surrendered my then-future in exchange for the distance. I gave up the chances for my future.

          But then, again, funny how fate really fooled me, as the distance that grew when we were apart seemed to have its effect on her. The butt-of-the-Chinese guy was around when I was not.

          So again, the logical cause: Distance. She couldn't bear the distance, more so that the curiosity in her grew, as how she had put it.

          But then, once again, looking at myself, I had my doubts. The guy bought her off in an online human barter in the cyber world, which she said was nothing, and confirmed to me that it was nothing. So I relented. But then, time came that she was formally introduced to him, further igniting the doubts that was growing in my mind. She said, nah. Time came when the doubts couldn't really control itself and went out of the line, admittedly, breaking the rules of privacy.

          Which seemed to confirm all the thoughts that had consumed up the remaining courage of my weak little self.

          At this point, confusion consumed me.

          I was deluded. I succumbed to the weakest point.

          My weakest point was myself.

          What made me immature was the mind.

          Which brought me to an obviously wrong behavior: Extreme doubt. Extreme jealousy. Extreme hallucinations. Extreme thought.


          Things that were brought to a level which aren't really existent.


          That's all.


Sorry love, I hope you get what I mean. Random thoughts talaga 'to, so walang direction. Point is, masyado na ata akong disoriented. I need to calm myself. I need something. But what? Help me. Take me out of this abyss. :( I'm tired of this disease. :(

End of Part I

Part II: Reality

          So earlier this afternoon... we had a bit of a fight. You know the rest.

          And so you suggested, I should look through our photos together.

          Think of the happiest times that we had.

But I thought of things beyond than those.

I thought of every smile you showed me.

Every trial we shared,

Everytime you offered your shoulder to me, as how I did to you.

Everytime I got sick and you were there.

How I couldn't even pick a spoon, and you fed me,

How we reminisced together,

             Dreamed together,

                        Planned together,

                                    And pushed each other.

How unknowingly, that sweet smile of yours was able to push me to my limits.

          How it kept me going,

          How it strengthened me.

And more importantly, how having you around me

          Have actually been a blessing from the skies.

How you suddenly appeared in front of me, as if God was telling me that

          "This girl have always been the one for you,

                   I just want you to meet at the right time, right place,

                   And have the right self."

How I became really happy nung nakasama na kita,

Nung naging tayo,

Nung minahal mo ako, at nung minahal kita.

Nung nagdecide tayo na magsama habangbuhay,

Na hindi na maghihiwalay,

Na lagi akong nanjan, at ikaw rin sa akin.

Kung paano mo pinaramdam na sa akin ka lang, at sa iyo lang ako.

Kung paano mo ako minahal ng buong buo.

Kung paano ko nakilala ang kabuuan mo,

Ang nakaraan mo,

Ang lahat ng sakit na naramdaman mo,

At kung paano ko naramdaman na ayokong maramdaman mo yun sa akin.

Kung paano ako nagdecide na hinding hindi kita sasaktan.

Hinding hindi kita iiwan.

Lahat yan, pinaramdam mo sa akin.

All those things, weren't just fragment of my imagination.

There were real.

You became real. Your love was real.

And so is mine.

I love you Jan Portia Fullante Castro. Wala na akong ibang mamahalin pa kundi ikaw lang.

Alam ko cheesy, pero yan yung reality eh.

Again, sorry, random doodles lang talaga 'to. Just had to get things out of my system para klaro utak ko.

I love you so much.

~~~

<3

The Prince and the Frogs.

On my first blog post, I mentioned that I will include here my past doodles. One boring lunch break last month, I created this doodle. Inspired by the "frogs" in our life, me and my beau decided to post this one here. :)

~~~

March 12, 2012 

12:49 pm 

The Prince and the Frogs 

Unlike the children’s story of the Frog Prince, the Prince and the Frogs is: first of all, not a children’s tale; second, it’s not a love story; and third, it doesn’t have a happily ever after. 

                Once there was a Prince in a not so far away land. He is very popular. Why? Well, he’s handsome, very athletic, joins so many extracurricular activities and very active in religious events. He is surrounded by so many friends. A friendly lad he is. But despite of his gorgeousness, he is lonely inside. He doesn’t have a special someone on his side. Though he has so many friends to talk to, to laugh a lot, he doesn’t have that special someone whom he can lean his shoulder during his lonesome hours. 

                One day, the Prince started to feel comfortable in one of his surrounding friends. The first frog came along. They always talk and eat together. Whenever the group goes out on trips, they are the ones hanging behind. Laughing all by themselves, whispering with each other, tickling each other until they almost cry of laughter, these are some of the things the group observed with the couple lately. They've been doing this for quite some time until one night, the first frog decided to end their relationship. The only reason she gave was she’s really not yet ready for that kind of relationship. Saddened by this revelation, the Prince just stood there, unable to move. Devastated, the Prince wept. He shared this sad event with his Queen and the Queen in turn consoled her son until everything turns back to normal again. 

                Good thing the Prince is a jolly person. After months of coping with his first break up, he started to enjoy his friends company once again. Mingling with the whole group seems to bring back the joy in his heart. His circles of friend widen. And from these circles he met new people. The second frog came from this new circle. Better than the first frog, physically. The Prince, thinking that the second frog was way better than the first one, gave all his best to keep their relationship strong. Even in their young age, the Prince already understands how to handle relationships. Their story seems perfect until one day, the second frog declared to end their relationship. Hearing another painful goodbye, the Prince demanded for explanation. The second frog sobbed while telling she wants to focus on her studies. That she doesn’t want distraction. Knowing he doesn’t have a choice, the Prince walked away. 

                Having two heart aches in this span of time, the Prince is having a hard time trusting new friends. He seems rebellious when dealing with some other frogs. Some of the frogs were dealt only for a little time, just to make up with his broken heart. All the playing stopped when the Prince met the third frog. She was the biggest frog among all the frogs he met. Physically. After his failed relationships, the Prince wants this frog to be his last. So he devoted all his time, his efforts and resources just to keep their relationship going. They’re spending all their time together, going to places, attending events. The Prince is happy. He believed this will be the last. He was confident that he will spend all his life with this frog. He didn’t know that this frog is just like any other frog out there. The day came when the Prince has to go farther to continue and develop his skills and talents. Because he was confident, he gave all his trust to the last frog. But the last frog can’t handle the distance. She entertained an ogre. Too bad the last frog has very poor eyesight. She barely gave importance to what the Prince gave her. She didn’t even realize how much she is loved and taken care of. The last frog threw away a very special person. The Prince felt the sudden coldness from the last frog. Alarmed by this, he asked the last frog: “Are you alright? Is there a problem?” 

For the last time, the Prince thought he found his Princess. He didn’t realize sooner that what he found was another frog. Just like the others. What hurts most about this last frog was being left because of someone worst. When the Prince found out that an ogre came to the scene and captured the last frog’s attention, he wants to fight back. He wants to get back the last frog. Still hoping, he continues to cling to the last frog even when he knows she’s with the ogre now. The time came when he can no longer hold to that thought that he can have the last frog back. The Prince grew tired. On and on until he finally let go. Months passed. He continues living. By and by, he moved on. He enjoyed his solitude. The Prince danced again, with his friends and family, with the happy people around him. 

From this popular tale, came the popular phrase, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince." In the Prince’s case, he got to kiss a lot of different frogs before he finally found his one and only Princess (I didn’t include the time when the Prince finally found his one and only Princess because that is a different story – and the Princess does not belong with these awful frogs). Even though he felt a lot of pain from the previous failed relationships, the Prince learned lessons from all of them. And what matters most now is that the Prince is finally happy with his one and only Princess. THAT story is the one with the happy ever after. J